Confessions of a Small Town Diva

2004-02-06T18:16:00.000-05:00

I hate rain.
The moment I step in the door at work today, my boss asks me to go run 10,000 errands for him in obscure locations all over the city. My first stop is the bank. Although I am in there at least twice a day, five days a week, I am still asked if I am certified to cash a check for my boss. Then, I have to go pick up some glass for a picture frame!? Why. Then, off to deliver the rent check to the sketchy landlord Mario. I also had to make a stop at that ghastly store Shanghai Tang to pick up a tee shirt with an applique of an asian man doing Tai Chi for my boss. Next stop the Bread Factory Cafe where I am asked to pick up the disgusting combination of tuna, egg, and ham on a roll for the boss. On the last leg of my journey, looking like a drentched street urchin, I pass *insert restaurant I cannot afford* and see my least favorite D list celeb Jamie Gleicher from MTV's Rich Girls, eating lunch with that creepy mom of hers. Oh what a life I lead.

2003-07-08T01:47:00.000-04:00

Have you ever gotten to spend any time with a pilot? Recently Wynn's brother came to stay with us, an he gave us insight to the life of one........
Philip, who's nickname is "middle lane Phil" for his easy going nature, is a pilot. He rolled into last week town sporting a hot pink lacoste (collar up of course), and some Top Gun sunglasses. Upon entering the aparment he gives us both High Fives, but not before his put down his can of Tab. It is then that I begin to understand what's going on. Pilots are all stuck in 1984.
After getting situated, we send happy go lucky Phil to the grocery store to pick up some dinner items. He returns with everything on the list, plus a few treats for himself. All of these were items I thought had been off the market since the Ragen Administration. Five Alive, a pack of Famous Amos cookies, and an Economy sized bag of Big League Chew. He came home complaining "Why can't I ever find Bonkers anymore?"
After drinking a 12 pack of BL and dowloading the entire works of Tears for Fears and Huey Lewis and the News on our computer, Phil passed out.
Over a nice breakfast of Frankenberry cereal, Phil told us his plans to dress as a California Raisin next Halloween.

Middle Lane Phil

2003-07-08T01:00:00.000-04:00

I decided to weigh Charlie the cat this weekend, and let me tell you that he is one seriously obese creature for not even having been alive for a year. Tell me, is it healthy for a six month old cat to wigh 12 lbs?!

2003-07-08T00:57:00.000-04:00

I'm really sorry to have been slacking on my blog. It's been too hot and I've been really uninspired since I've done nothing but sit in my apartment trying to stay cool. But here is a doozy for you.

Tonight Wynn, a couple of friends and I went to Carson Daly's laye night show. Pretty cheesy, I know but it gets better. We went not knowing who was going to be on the show, and upon arrival realized we were in for a treat. LYNYRD SKYNRD was the musical guest! Even better, we sat next to possibly their oldest groupies, a pair of women in their late 50's sporting faded concert tees and husbands with mullets. When Carson came on pre-show and asked how everyone was doing, these women stood up and yelled "Skynrd", apparently Carson was of no interest to them. After the half hour long show, they played a private mini concert, and we were about 6 feet away from them. Not a bad night....

2003-07-08T00:46:00.000-04:00

[ Tue Jul 01, 11:41:50 AM | Alexandra Williams | edit ]
There is a street in the West Village called "Gay Street". Only in New York.

2003-07-01T11:41:00.000-04:00

There is a street in the West Village called "Gay Street". Only in New York.

2003-07-01T11:40:00.000-04:00

Just got back from a great 5 days on Long Island. I'm used to summers on the beach, and my white city skin was not prepared for the sun. Wynn and I got horrible sunburns, because we refused to wear sunscreen. Luckily they turned to fabulous tans in a matter of days. We hit up the old bar scene with all my single friends, and I managed to run into everyone I have ever dated in my whole life, including my High School boyfriend who was eager to show Wynn and I pics of his daughter. Gee, that all could've been mine.......
The cats were glad to have a vacation as well. Infact, Oliver decided to stay out there. Moments before departure, the other cat Charlie helped him escape from his cat bag and he jetted off under the porch - a playground of dead spiders and dust balls. Hope he's enjoying it, cause the rest of us are back in the sweltering city positioned in front of the fan, armed with spray bottles of ice water trying to keep cool.

2003-06-14T18:28:00.000-04:00

Weird/Funny/Annoying Stuff That Happened On The Subway Today at Rush Hour.

1.) I accidently got the bottom of my umbrella caught on some lady's skirt and I exposed her whole ass while trying to get off the train. The even funnier part was that she was holding a license plate that read Fun4One.
2.) A woman was breast feeding what looked like a 2 year old and all the while taking up two seats with all of this child's shit. When someone asked if they could sit down she actually replied "No, can't you see I have a lot of stuff?" Hello! Take a fucking cab, and that way people will be able to sit down and not have to stare at your nipples.
3.) I sat down on someone's hand by accident. Fun for them, not so fun for me.
4.) I saw my third grade teacher on route to "The Lion King". And of course, she was wearing a fanny pack.....

2003-06-11T19:50:00.000-04:00

My Top Ten Pet Peeves

1.) June Bugs - they click against your walls when you are trying to sleep, and should be banished from the earth forever.
2.) Fanny Packs - are purses really that much of a hassle that you have to wear this hideous bulge strapped to you? The reason that you're stuff is so safe there is because people are too busy laughing at you to bother stealing it.
3.) Mimes. If they could talk, imagine all the creepy stuff they'd have to say.
4.) Carrot Top. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY.
5.) Chains around license plates. Neon Light plate holders follow in a close second.
6.) Being told what to do. I've called ther shots since age 19, it's hard to take orders.
7.) Fruit with lots of seeds (ie, oranges and watermelon). How can you enjoy something if you know that you could chomp down on a hard little seed at any moment?
8.) Being harassed on the street in a language I can't understand. Gee, maybe if she can't understand me, she won't know what a sexist loser I am!
9.) Renee Zelwegger
10.) Being asked to do something and not coming up with an excuse quick enough and actually having to do it.

2003-06-11T13:29:00.000-04:00

I just found out that my mom reads my blog. I haven't felt this guilty since she discovered a pack of smokes in my room at age 16. I guess the excuse "They're not mine" won't work in this situation.

2003-06-11T11:41:00.000-04:00

Wynn, Thayer and I decided to go to Coney Island the other day. For those of you who have never been to Coney Island, it is quite the cultural playground. The Cyclone is just about the scariest roller coaster I have ever gone on. It's not scary because it goes upside down, or has crazy drops. It's scary because it looks as if it hasn't been renovated since the opening of Coney Island in the late 1800's(and probably hasn't). Never trust a roller coaster made entirely of wood, especially after eating a couple of hot dogs.

2003-05-29T19:54:00.000-04:00

I am so bothered by Renee Zellweger. She looks like she just sucked on like 1,000 lemons and sometimes I just want to knock her out. That's all.

2003-05-29T19:19:00.001-04:00

Bizarre celeb sighting of the week:

Al Sharpton. Top that.

2003-05-29T19:19:00.000-04:00

I find adults obsessed with cartoon characters to be very disturbing. My neighborhood was filled with these socially misguided people today. Forty year old men sporting Tazmanian Devil tee shirts. Grown women driving cars covered in Betty Boop decals. And the most horrible of all, a couple wearing matching tweety bird tee's. Get a life people.

2003-05-21T18:47:00.000-04:00

Ok fellow New Yorkers, what is the deal with Mayor Bloomberg's crush J-lo? Is it really front cover worthy? Apparently it's a big publicity stunt to boost his popularity (yeah good luck pal). Picturing the Mayor getting freaky with J-lo makes me almost as sick as his horrible politics and Napolean complex.

2003-05-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

Note to self:

Never ever think that it is a good idea to wear a tube top to the laundrymat. It was pretty embarassing when my boob popped out for all the world to see as I wrestled with my giant bag of dirty cloths.

2003-05-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

I find it really iritating when people feel that they know you because of your Zodiac sign. "You're an Aquarius? I knew it." Get a life man.

2003-05-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

I have some serious issues with diet pill advertisements. Every ad I see shows a fat, sloppy, pale person - and they always seem to be eating food in the picture. And just 6 weeks later, they are not only transformed into real life Barbie and Ken, but also have a pair of six pack abs and are tan as hell. Do these pills have some magical ability not only to make you lose wight, but to make you become ripped and have a killer tan? Is it just me? Please feel free to share your comments.

2003-05-20T10:25:00.000-04:00

How does one choose when Pretty in Pink, the season finale of Mr. Personality, and VH1 - "When Cameras Go To Far" are all playing simultaneously????

2003-05-20T09:50:00.000-04:00

I should have graduated from college this week. I've been reading the e-mails from everyone who I went to school with, and they read something like this:

"Thanks for all the great memories, I don't know what I'll do without you guys! You've made the past four years the best of my life! I will miss you all FOREVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE WERE GRADUATING!

Here's mine:

Wow, I can't believe that I left school when I was 19 and moved into the ghetto of Brooklyn, where I had to endure upstairs neighbors whose kids found such joy in overflwoing the toliet everyday causing massive leaks for me and my roomates! I'll really miss those nights of eating Ramen and scrambled eggs, and rationing out my cigarettes! Thanks for my next apartment where I lived with a chick and her Cop boyfriend who always accused me of doing drugs, that really was fun! I'll really miss all those losers that I used to date - including Mr. Sensitive Photographer with an impotency problem, and Mr. Self Centered Coke Head. You guys really taught me some important lessons! Remember those crazy night when the power used to be cut off ? Wow I'll never forget those times! Thanks New York, you're the best friend I'll ever have!!

I think I learned more living here, then I could have ever gotten at a 4 year school. And I have a bad-ass job and great guy........makes me miss that diploma a little less.

2003-05-20T09:36:00.000-04:00

Why are my cats so entertained by those little plastic covers that come with razors? No matter how often I take them away , they always seem to find them at around 4 in the morning and bat them around the kitchen floor.

2003-05-18T10:05:00.000-04:00

I work with this guy Luis, who is a former Drag Queen from Miami. If he were a woman, he's be the type who'd never go outside unless he had on a full face of makeup, and stilletos. Each day at work, I get talked into getting my hair and makeup done, each time more elaborate then the next. I am his personal barbie doll. Yesterday I found myself walking down Madison Ave with hair bigger then me, and enough makeup on my face to paint up the entire Miss America pageant.

2003-05-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

Once as a child I got in trouble because I showed Grandma my father's John Waters book, complete with pictures of Divine and the rest of the crew.

2003-05-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

The other day I was approached by a girl scout who was selling candy bars in the neighborhood. She asked me if I'd like to buy one, and since I'm allergic to chocalate I said no, to which she replied "Aight, forget you then!" I pretty sure that sort of conduct wouldn't be tolerated in the girl scout troop that I belonged to as a child.

2003-05-12T16:42:00.000-04:00

Brendan, Wynn and I went to Wonder Bar (a gay bar) the other night, and in a total state of oblivion Wynn asked us "Why aren't there any girls here?".

2003-05-12T16:40:00.000-04:00

To the Crack Head who likes to linger around my building:

Thank you for the following:

-Rifling through the garbage cans
-Complementing me on my ass on a daily basis
-Urinating on the stoop
-Your determination to bum cigarettes from me everyday, even though the answer is always "get a job, then get your own pack"

2003-05-12T16:37:00.000-04:00

Wynn and I had an argument about my choice of television programs. I'm sorry, but isn't watching the Hilton Sisters E! True Hollywood Story a lot more fun than a documentary on the Korean War????

2003-05-10T20:59:00.000-04:00

It's pretty crazy to know that people from all over the country read about your day to day life. I hope all of you enjoy my writing! I love the comments - keep em coming!

2003-05-08T18:22:00.000-04:00

If anyone out there knows a Mr. Kalidrtha Chazzaouiz, will they please ask him if he has ever heard of a "change of address" form? I have been living here for almost a year and I still get all his fucking mail.

2003-05-08T17:32:00.000-04:00

I just bought these really cute "I can't afford them but I have to have them" ballet type shoes. I thought they'd be great for work and ultra comfortable, so I threw them on this morning. I couldn't have been more wrong. Blisters instantly appeared on my feet, and to top it off I had to run 1,000 errands today in like a twenty block radius. I'm currently soaking my poor feet in a tub of warm water. Ahhhh

2003-05-08T17:18:00.000-04:00

Today at work I made the toliet overflow. Normally this would be an embarassing situation but since I blamed it on a client who had just left, everything was ok.

2003-04-30T17:46:00.000-04:00

Shampooing the hair of countless amounts of Upper East Side bitches is not what I want to do on the first day of my period. Especially when they yell at me for scrubbing too hard around their face lift scars.

2003-04-30T17:38:00.000-04:00

Am I the only person in the world who doesn't have a credit card? It's not that I don't have good credit, I just don't trust myself with them. Having 1,000's of dollars at my dissposal is way to tempting for a person who's favorite hobby is buying stuff she can't afford. I just got a job as an assistant to a Celebrity Hairstylist, who's going to teach me all he knows and then one day maybe I'll be famous too. Then maybe I can buy cool stuff.

2003-04-30T17:33:00.000-04:00

Actual item listed on a Chinese takeout menu I got today:

Golden Fingers with Ho Mustard sauce - $5.95

Mmmmmmm......

2003-04-29T11:02:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else's cat enjoy rubbing their face on magazines? Well my cats are OBSESSED with magazines. Perhaps it's the glossy texture, or possibly the pointy corners. I have an extremely cumbersome iron magazine rack that weighs about 20 lbs, and in the middle of the night they vigourously rub their fasces on it's contents and send the magazine holder crashing to the ground, causing a loud crash which I have to investigate nightly. Does anyone want two cats?

2003-04-29T10:57:00.000-04:00

You learn things about your friends everyday. For example I just learned that Brendan's dad is best friends with that guy Wyland who paints those massive whale murals. If I'm ever struck by the impulse to have a giant Humpback Whale painted on my bedroom wall, I now have a connection.

2003-04-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

I had the pleasure of visiting The Lower East Side Tenement museum yesterday. I promised a family friend and her daughter that I'd go with them, and despite my wicked hangover I actually kept the promise. Our tour group visted a "typical" turn of the century century apartment in Manhatten. The apartment was set up as it would have been, complete with "Sasha" a typical Russian teenager (or an NYU drama student who gets paid minimum wage to dress up in cheesy garb and practice not only her Russian accent, but her knowledge of tenement bulidings as well.) The sad part of this tour was that upon entering the apartment, tourists gasped and uddered such things as "Oh my god how could someone live in here, it's so small!" and "You couldnt pay me to live in a box like this". The sad reality is that it was the same size of my apartment. But hey, at least I have indoor plumbing!

2003-04-27T10:39:00.000-04:00

Do you remember being a teenager and thinking that your parents were the most embarassing people in the world? Even a trip to the grocery store with your mom was pure torture. Yesterday I saw a girl around fifteen years old shopping at Victoria's Secret with her dad. I am so thankful that my father was never a decision maker in the thong department. Very Thankful.

2003-04-21T19:29:00.000-04:00

Some highlights of my Easter Vacation:

- the cats urinating on my mother's Easter lilies

-My dad making me wash the dog after he had rolled in a dead seagull (I begged and begged for my parents to get me a dog about 10 years ago and apparently I don't contribute enough).

-The ride back in a train full of simultainiously screaming babies.

2003-04-21T19:22:00.000-04:00

My friend Carolyn is moving to Hawaii. We had a good bye party for her recently at a bar, and I was in charge of handing out flowered lays for people to wear around their neck. I had at least 10 guys come up to me and say "Can I get laid?" all the while thinking that he was SO original and no one had ever thought to say this.

2003-04-14T17:00:00.000-04:00

New York is such a random city. Today Wynn had to help his Aun't friend move some boxes, and he found out that her daughter is getting married. "Who is she marrying?" you might ask. The guitarist from Blue Oyster Cult, who has hung up his cowbell and is now pursuing a career in medicine. Gee, don't you think you'd feel a little weird knowing your physician sang backup on "Don't Fear the Reaper"?.

2003-04-14T15:23:00.000-04:00

I was out doing some laundry earlier and on my way back, I saw someone driving a super pretenious Mini Cooper with a GIANT British flag on the hood. I thought to myself "Wow, what a loser". Then, I realized that the person in the car was someone I had gone to beauty school with - a guy named Ronnie who was super dorky and had been in the closet for so long that he was starting to smell like mothballs. He of course veered over to the side of the road for a chat the minute he saw me sprinting to my apartment. He proceded to tell me about his great new job and then asked me what I was doing. I told him I had just finished school last week to which he replied "Wow, you took a really long time to finish!". Thanks Ronnie, 10,000 dollars in debt to my parents, and endless hours working on a manequin which freakishly resembled Sissy Spacek had already made me aware of just how long I was in that hell hole.

2003-04-14T14:49:00.000-04:00

My cats are snobs. I arrived home today to find that the cats were without food, so I jetted over to Key Food to pick some up. Of course I forget my wallet at home but luckily have some change in my jeans, enough to buy them some Kozy Kitten Ocean Flavor Cat Food - 79 cents. I arrive back home with the package and them jump and meow for their dinner. When I place the food in their respective dishes, they take one sniff and look at me in disgust as if to say "you expect me to eat this?" Hey guys - didn't I take you off the streets? Wynn thought it would be funny to name them after famous street urchins - Oliver Twist and Charlie Bucket (from Willie Wonka). It's not so funny when I have to go back into the rain and get those little bastards some fancy feast. Damn, that Kathy makes cat ownership look easy....

2003-04-14T14:47:00.000-04:00

I have a tattoo right below my neck bone - it's an A with angel wings and a halo. I drew it myself and it's kind of a joke because I wasn't an angel when I got it. These are the things it gets mistaken for...

The Aerosmith logo

Hell's Angel's logo

Anheiser Busch logo

The Angel's Baseball team logo

If you knew me at all, I would never get a tatto to represent any of these things.

2003-04-12T16:27:00.000-04:00

I live right on one of those public gardens. This is great for the obvious reasons - nice breeze, no street noise. But on the downside, I must endure the constant noise of folk artists, street performers, and screaming kids. And that's just during the day. Come sundown, the tribal drummers come out and bang away at their drums for hours on end. There is always child's party going on as well for some child named (insert annoying hippie name ie: Rain). Only in the east village....

2003-04-12T11:39:00.000-04:00

Occasionally I think about having kids, but then I recall the torture I put my parents through and second guess the thought. Once, at age 3, I slathered myself in an industrial size vat of Vaseline and came running into my parents dinner party yelling "Look Mommy I'm Shiny!". My mother had to leave her well planned affair to scrape the Vaseline off of me with a butter knife. If that's not a reason for practicing safe sex, I don't know what is.

2003-04-12T11:28:00.000-04:00

Last night Wynn and I played scrabble and drank herbal tea. I'm only 22, what happened to my "bad girl days?"

2003-04-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

Case of beers - $15

Monopoly Deluxe Edition - $40

Hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk - $1,000

Seeing the look on your Boyfriend's face when you finally beat him in a game - Priceless......

2003-04-10T15:48:00.000-04:00

I'm a big fan of Tom Petty, but he looks like he's been dead for about three days. He's the rock n' roll equivalent of weekend at Bernie's.

2003-04-05T18:01:00.000-05:00

I think Mayor Bloomberg has ties with Mother Earth. Apparently, they've made an arrangement to have freezing cold and rainy days to spite the smokers who have to stand outside of the bars......

2003-04-04T16:33:00.000-05:00

I gave a homeless man a dollar today and he said "Is that all you can spare"? This gives new meaning to the phrase beggers can't be choosers.

2003-04-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

I awoke this morning to find that the cats had discovered my childhood copy of "Wind in the Willows". As a child, I found great joy in reading about the adventures of Toad, Badger and Rat. Oliver and Charlie had found their joy by urinating on it and then tearing it to shreds. Thanks guys.

2003-04-03T14:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Wynn and I visted a friend of ours in the West Village. Normally this would be fun, but when your friend lives in a rent cotrolled duplex with three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and movie screen, and a deck the size of our entire apartment, it's a little depressing. Life is unfair!!!!

2003-04-02T08:01:00.000-05:00

Last night, in the midst of boredom, Wynn and I decided to fashion some outfits for the cats. For someone who has never made cat clothing before, I whipped out some extrodinary vests from some old Martha Stewart washcloths. This provided hours of entertainment for our guests, as we watched Oliver and Charlie try to go about regular tasks such as jumping on the couch and trying to use the litter box, all the while wearing sassy seafoam green attire. Mind you, no animals were harmed :).

2003-03-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have "bitch" mornings? One of those days when every little thing annoys you? Well, today was mine. While on the bus (my most hated mode of transportation) a guy decides to stand right above me and hang on one of those hand rails. This normally would be fine, except that with every stop of the bus, his crotch rammed into my shoulder. After this happened about five times, I took the liberty of elbowing him in the balls. When he cried out in pain, I explained that it's not polite to grind your privates parts on someone, especially at eight in the morning. Just one of those days.....

2003-03-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

There are some things that will always be funny. No matter how many times you see, you'll always laugh. Here are a few of my favorites:
1.) Seeing someone trip on the curb and then look back.
2.) Reading a sign that says "No Check Allowed" in an establishment owned by a foreigner.
3.) Seeing someone with toliet paper attahced to their shoe.

2003-03-27T16:43:00.000-05:00

It's great to come home and find that the cats have knocked over the garbage can and are gnawing on chewed up edamame shells and chicken bones. Can't wait to clean up this mess!

2003-03-24T08:04:00.000-05:00

It's really great when your BF comes home at 5 in the morning with some dude he met at a bar and comes into the bedroom while I am sleeping asks me if I want to wake up and hang out. Thanks but no thanks.

2003-03-23T20:59:00.000-05:00

Today was the perfect New York Day. Wynn had 6 friends visiting from SC who had never been to NYC before and we did the whole tourist thing. You name it, we did it. Empire State Buliding, Time Square, Rockefellar Center, Radio City Music Hall, FAO Sqwartz, The Plaza, Central Park, Ground Zero, The Stock Exchange, Statue of Liberty. We finished off the day at bar right on the water and the moment we walked in, "The Moon and New York City" was playing - the perfect end to a perfect day.

2003-03-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

Why oh why am I up at 9 o clock on a Saturday morning?

2003-03-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

2003-03-19T14:33:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or is Avril Lavigne a giant poser? While waiting in Rite Aid today for two glorious hours while the dimwits behind the counter learn to work an insurnace card, I got the chance to peruse their extensive magazine collection. This 90 lb "rocker" reminds me a little of myself - circa 1994. The era when we thought we were bad ass because we wore chain wallets, baby tees, and passed off our lack of talent for appyling makeup and styling hair as "not giving a fuck". But then we all grew up, discovered the wonders of low rise jeans, stilletos, and a good blow dryer and got over it. I suggest you do the same Avril.

2003-03-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the pleasure of visiting Bellvue Hospital. As you know, I've been sick and last night was my breaking point. You know I mean business if I had the leave in the middle of an American Idol episode. After throwing on my most hideous outfit, sans makeup and uncombed hair, Wynn and I hopped into a cab for an adventure neither of us had planned for. Apparently, at 22 I am still considered a child, so I was escorted to the Pediatric unit - fun. I waited in an area filled with a creepy clown mural and some broken down toys. The magazine selection consisted of Highlights and Ranger Rick. Is it too much to ask to have a few copies of 1989 Reader's Digest on hand like any other Heath Care facilty in North America? Apparently so. Just when I thought I would be seen by a doctor, a group of Hisidic Jews rush in with a screaming infant who had apparently just swallowed a crayon. Guess it'll be awhile before I get any drugs! An hour later, I finally get some attention from a Bitchy Doctor who apparently got into pediatrics to deal with poor suffering babies rather then disgruntled 22 year olds. Three hours later, a couple of nebulizers, and I'm outta there. On the bright side, I got a note saying "Alexandra will not be able to attend school today". Rock on Bellvue.....

2003-03-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

This is how to take care of me when I am sick:

- When I am blowing my nose ridiciously loud, please don't say to me "That's gross, can't you do that in the bathroom?"
- When I try to talk to you please don't make fun of my nasally voice by comparing me to Patty Mayonaise from the cartoon Doug
- Please don't eat the last bagel, the last of the apple juice, or use all of the hot water in the shower
-Please don't comment on my knappy bedhead, chapped lips, crusty nose, or any other disgusting ailments.
- When I am lying in bed, please don't ask me to get up and give you a conditioning treatment on your hair
- And most of all, don't tell me I am high matienance - I'm fucking sick - maintain that...

2003-03-18T12:05:00.000-05:00

When the weather turns warmer, all the freaks come out. These are the people who have been hibernating all winter and are finally ready to display their obese, pale bodies in all their glory. Stomach rolls protrude out of tight fitting tube tops, foot fat is squeezed out of too-small sandals, and an overwhelming aura of careless abandon fills the air. God, I love spring.

2003-03-16T11:05:00.000-05:00

Why am I sick yet again? I feel like a Mac Truck has ran over me. My head feels like it weighs a 1,000 lbs. My BF is sleeping and I want someone to take care of me. It's not a fun day in Diva Land!

2003-03-15T13:14:00.000-05:00

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible" - When Harry Met Sally

2003-03-14T17:23:00.000-05:00

Is it just me, or does the channel 7 weather guy look like a ken doll, complete with perma tan and plastic like features?

2003-03-13T16:41:00.000-05:00

It's really satisfying when you understand what someone is saying about you in another language. Today I overheard a couple of French Guys talking about my ass - Busted. On another note, why do I always get cat calls while wearing my ratty sweatpants?

2003-03-12T16:55:00.000-05:00

I have an unhealthy obsession with American Idol. Brendan and I like to watch it and make fun of all the hopeful dorks. We also both have an obsessive crush on Simon - is this so wrong?

2003-03-12T16:52:00.000-05:00

Today while at work, I had to do an eyebrow waxing. This was a little disconcerting considering the women had more hair on her chin then her eyebrows.....

2003-03-02T12:41:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning only to find that my left eye has swollen to Quasimoto-like proportions. Maybe God is punishing me for getting so shit faced last night.

2003-03-01T15:29:00.000-05:00

Score! Today when I went to get bagels and coffee at the deli I found a $20 dollar bill someone had left in the ATM. It's my lucky day!

2003-02-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

Today while buying some OJ at my neighborhood deli, Abdul asked if I was wearing Earl Jeans. I was a bit taken aback by the comment, but I guess Im glad the man who sells me my coffee and cigarettes every morning is up on all the latest trends.

2003-02-28T16:41:00.000-05:00

All I wanted today was a hotdog. I had the worst craving and walked like 20 blocks trying to find a vendor, and when I finally did find one I was fifty cents short. Life is just a bitch sometimes.....

2003-02-26T21:14:00.000-05:00

When the Super of your building speaks only Chinese, it's really hard to tell him that the people upstairs have a leaky toliet (aka I have a leak and have been cathcing the urine in my cooking pots).

2003-02-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

The other night, I was actually thinking about cancelling my plans to see a play because American Idol was on. Is that lame?

2003-02-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

Only in the East Village would you find a pull out sofa complete with pillows, sheets, and a comforter set up on the side of the street. And only if you were hanging out with me would you get pushed on to it against your will (sorry B)!!!!

2003-02-18T22:26:00.000-05:00

Coversation I had with my sister earlier (I'm LEX229)

kdw444: how u sis
LEX229: how u sis
LEX229: me cavelady
kdw444: HA
kdw444: lol

2003-02-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you all missed me, or maybe didn't notice my absence. I was away on Long Island, stranded at my parents house in this freak blizzard. I think I drank enough cups of hot cocoa, played enough games of Monopoly, and watched more movies then I have ever wanted to in my entire life. On another note, it's really great when you go to the local home town pharmacy and have to purchase birth control from your former girl scout leader. New York, I've missed you.

2003-02-13T18:55:00.000-05:00

I cannot wait for Spring. Im sick of having dry skin, Im sick of chapped lips, and Im even more sick of this damn snow. Recently, while wearing a pair of entirely too high stilletos, I slipped and fell down some stairs in the subway. In situations like this, you want as little attention drawn to you as possible. But thanks to Dan and Barbara, a couple of tourists from Missouri, I was flogged by unwanted attention and sympathy. They helped me to my feet, and I gave them directions to Ground Zero (ok tourists, get over it). Thanks again Dan and Barbara.

2003-02-11T21:55:00.000-05:00

http://www.lex229.signmyguestbook.com

2003-02-11T18:36:00.000-05:00

Just saw on the news that despite the recent terrorist threats in NYC, the Oscars WILL GO ON! Phew, thank god!

2003-02-11T18:21:00.000-05:00

I can't wait for this god damn Joe Millionaire thing to be over so I can go back to having a life. Just when I thought it was finally going to be finished, that sassy Austrailian Butler informs me that next week is really the last episode. Does anyone really find this meat head attractive? Does he have ears? I have never seen them. They always seem te be hidden by his jerry curl.

2003-02-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

I am sick. My head is aching, I'm snuffy, and I want to crawl in my bed and die. While riding the bus today, I was totally oblivious to the fact that snot was dripping from my nose until a woman handed me a tissue. Thank god for the kindness of strangers.

2003-02-09T18:03:00.000-05:00

Puff Daddy and I are running in the same circles. About two months ago, Wynn (my boyfriend) and I went to dinner at Industry with his father. Throughout the evening, we kept hearing cap gun shots from the lower level party area. Our understanding German waiter eased our worries by telling us "I'm sorry for all the noise, Puff Daddy is having a Murder Mystery party downstairs". Last night, we headed over to Lot 61 to hang out with our friend Nic, a bartender there. Just as we got our drinks, a leather clad Euro Trash party planner told us we had to leave, because Puff Daddy was having a private party. Who knew?

2003-02-08T19:15:00.000-05:00

Note to self: When making own pasta sauce, do not substitute Key Food Brand sweet and low for sugar.

2003-02-08T19:13:00.000-05:00

I just cut bangs, and the only person to comment on them was Abdul, the man at the bodega on the corner....

2003-02-08T16:39:00.002-05:00

Suddenly, I feel like this night isn’t such a waste after all. It’s last call, and tonight doesn’t seem as sad as usual. I scrawl my number on a piece of paper and hand it to him. He smiles and says, “I’ll call you”, and for once in my life I actually believed those words. Summer might be over, but I have a feeling the rest of my life is about to begin.

2003-02-08T16:39:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those colds that seem to last for months? It won’t get out of your system no matter how much sleep or vitamins you take. Well, I have one, but I sleep about five hours on a good night, and I’m pretty sure No Doze don’t count as vitamins. So, I’m a little sluggish when eleven o’ clock rolls around. But, I dress the part and throw myself back in the old scene. Hey, I once had an “I have Mono” Jell-O shot party in college. I can party with the best of them.

2003-02-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

We’re all together again. I look at my friends, my sisters, my family. We gather for a photo outside of the bar. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach when the flash goes off and I realize that this is our last summer. We have to go get real jobs now; our days of careless abandon are days from being over. All these years of scamming, hookups, shitty jobs, and wild nights and what do we have to show for it? I feel like we deserve a trophy or something. I put on my best smile knowing that after tonight, nothing will be the same again.

2003-02-08T16:38:00.001-05:00

Can’t people smell themselves and think “Wow, I don’t smell so fresh I better go our and buy some of that new fancy stuff called deodorant!”

2003-02-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

A rainy day in NYC is one of my number one pet peeves. Everyone and their mom is carrying an umbrella, and apparently have no clue on how to use these new fangled contraptions. Their stupidity results in nearly getting your eye gauged out by an umbrella spoke numerous times. It’s enough to make me want to pull out my hair.

2003-02-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

It’s not even halfway through summer, but I have to go back to the city. I have this apartment, and I’ve been away for a while and I want to make sure it’s still there. I have secret visions that my gay roommate Brendan has turned it into an underground gay sex dungeon to pay off his Visa bills.

2003-02-08T16:36:00.000-05:00

Jesus, what ever happened to hanging out in a pool till you were a raison? Camping out in the back yard? Flashlight tag? Lemonade stands?

2003-02-08T16:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight, we’re heading to Michael’s, a place named for its owner, who goes by the alias (given by us of course) “vicious gay”. He is one of those gay men who feel like he has a right to be a bitch if he doesn’t know who you are, a small town Steve Rubel if you will. Maybe we’re just bitter because he had nicer eyebrows then any of us have ever seen.

2003-02-08T16:34:00.000-05:00

The summer of my 15th year, my parents decided it was about fucking time that I get a job. I was never expected to work, and this request, or “threat”, from my parents, came as a giant shocker. After much begging and pleading, I was forced to go find some sort of employment in the thriving metropolis of Greenport. My options included the IGA, where I’d be working with such treasures as Ruthie “Ruffhouse” Ruffner, a 50 year woman donning a mullet and had more gums then teeth. And of course there was Chuck, the village idiot who consistently reeked of BO. So, for lack of options, I opted to work at “Preston’s” the cliché gift shop on the wharf. A place a fondly refer to in my older years as the “Nautical Nightmare”. Luckily, I worked my best friend Mary, my partner in crime. Our hours at Preston's consisted of talking on the company phone, reading magazines, and taking extended lunch breaks. Nothing could be sweeter. Until, the big boss lady stepped into the picture, and forbid Mary and I to work the same schedule.
Her name was Andrea Rowsom. She was a sixty-year-old woman who weighed all of ninety pounds with all of her gaudy gold jewelry. The woman was notorious for being a heinous bitch. I was warned from day one to stay back, and always be armed with a bottle of Windex and a rag when she was near, to give the illusion that I was actually doing something instead of sitting on my ass. The only release I had was seeing Andrea’s son Andrew, Greenport’s answer to JFK Junior, hurry through the store in his Topsiders and L.L Bean attire. At least my new coworkers (and I use this term loosely) brought some sense of amusement to the otherwise painfully boring job. Johnny was a struggling actor, and god knows why he was here. He always had some plans to go to L.A, but always seemed to fall through. Johanna was an anorexic, pock faced, chain smoker who would end every sentence with the words, “ya know?” I would nod yes even though at fifteen I had no clue about anything. Does anyone?

2003-02-08T16:32:00.001-05:00

Standing there with my drink in hand, I realize that it’s only June, and my life is a last call. I don’t want to go home but I can’t stay here.

2003-02-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

When your heart has been stomped on numerous times over such a small period of time, all you want sometimes is a compliment. These guys don’t notice that you haven’t gotten a bikini wax in a month. They don’t care designed our bikini, they’re just glad we’re wearing one. They don’t even know what roots are. It’s a refreshing change, and we jump on the boat with them. I crack open my first Bud, and with that first twang of Lynrd Skynrd, I feel fourteen again.

2003-02-08T16:30:00.000-05:00

God, I must be head over heels if I’m using words like “intoxicating” and “phenomenal”. I feel like Jane Austin in a Burberry bikini.